You get moody. You get strange food cravings at all hours, day and night. Your body becomes sensitive and generally grouchy and unhappy with you. But worst of all are the maternity clothes.

I know, I know. I should be more tolerant of my own body. My therapist says I should even be proud. I mean, I'm bringing a new life into the world, and I guess I don't look too bad for a pregnant woman. But I feel just awful in my maternity clothing. I mean, would they make something called a “moo moo” if it didn't make the wearer feel like a fat cow?

Of course, I don't spend my days in moo moos. Far from it. My maternity clothes are just grotesque, misshapen versions of my normal clothes – mostly maternity jeans and maternity t-shirts, thank you very much. But still, I can't help but notice some difference with maternity clothes besides the abnormal size. I've never seen so much cutesy bs – teeshirts with kittens, stars, rainbows for Christ sakes. Just because I'm having a baby doesn't mean I'm becoming ones. Maternity clothes should not look like baby clothes.

And the silliest of all are the maternity clothes designed to look elegant. I mean you wouldn't believe the things they sell on internet maternity clothes sites. I even found one selling maternity evening gowns. Can you even image it? Sleek, velvet, graceful lines descending to my round, bloated belly. Yes, I feel like quite the fashionable debutant in this outfit, thanks for asking.

If I designed maternity clothes, they'd be straightforward, simple, and tasteful. They would be in plain colors, plain cuts, and neither attempt to draw attention to the pregnancy nor to distract it. There is no two ways about it – I know my body is going to look kind of odd for the next several months, and maternity clothes can't make it fashionable. So they should just cover me as simply as possible and not patronize me with their kittens or flatter me with their  low necks and velvet.